The Signs as John Mulaney Quotes

squishysnake:

Aries: I know it’s kind of stupid to complain about a movie that came out 17 years ago. But I wasn’t a comedian back then, so I have to do it now.

Taurus: I don’t look like someone who used to do anything. I look like I was just sitting in a room in a chair, eating saltines for like 28 years, and then I walked right out here.

Gemini:

She said, “I’m gonna leave the room, you undress to your comfort level.” So I put on a sweater and a pair of corduroy pants, and I felt safe.

Cancer: I don’t look older, I just look worse, I think. Honestly, when I’m walking down the street, no one’s ever like, “Hey, look at that man!” I think they’re just like, “Whoa, that tall child looks terrible! Get some rest, tall child!”

Leo: Percentage-wise? It is one hundred percent easier not to do things than to do them. And so much fun not to do them! Especially when you were supposed to do them.

Virgo:

Cars were pulling up and looking over to see who just did that piece-of-shit move, expecting to see like, a hundred-year old blind dog, who’s texting while driving and drinking a smoothie. Instead, they see a 28-year old healthy man trying his best.

Libra:

Now, I don’t know if you’ve been following the news, but I’ve been keeping my ears open, and it seems like everyone, everywhere, is super-mad about everything, all the time.

Scorpio: You know those days when you’re like, “This might as well happen. Adult life is already so god damn weird.”

Sagittarius:

I embarrass my wife all day long walking around, because I want everyone to like me. I once said hello to balloons. Cause they were in my peripheral vision, and I was like, “Look, better safe than sorry, hi!” and then it was balloons.

Capricorn: You gotta zone out! You have an imagination! You have a movie theater in your brain that plays fake arguments that you win!

Aquarius: I used to sit around and think about what to do about quicksand. I never thought about how to handle real problems in adult life. I was never like, “Oh, what’s it gonna be like when relatives ask to borrow money?”

Pisces: College was like a four-year game show called “Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need to Go to Sleep?