The Signs as John Mulaney Quotes


Aries: I know it’s kind of stupid to complain about a movie that came out 17 years ago. But I wasn’t a comedian back then, so I have to do it now.

Taurus: I don’t look like someone who used to do anything. I look like I was just sitting in a room in a chair, eating saltines for like 28 years, and then I walked right out here.


She said, “I’m gonna leave the room, you undress to your comfort level.” So I put on a sweater and a pair of corduroy pants, and I felt safe.

Cancer: I don’t look older, I just look worse, I think. Honestly, when I’m walking down the street, no one’s ever like, “Hey, look at that man!” I think they’re just like, “Whoa, that tall child looks terrible! Get some rest, tall child!”

Leo: Percentage-wise? It is one hundred percent easier not to do things than to do them. And so much fun not to do them! Especially when you were supposed to do them.


Cars were pulling up and looking over to see who just did that piece-of-shit move, expecting to see like, a hundred-year old blind dog, who’s texting while driving and drinking a smoothie. Instead, they see a 28-year old healthy man trying his best.


Now, I don’t know if you’ve been following the news, but I’ve been keeping my ears open, and it seems like everyone, everywhere, is super-mad about everything, all the time.

Scorpio: You know those days when you’re like, “This might as well happen. Adult life is already so god damn weird.”


I embarrass my wife all day long walking around, because I want everyone to like me. I once said hello to balloons. Cause they were in my peripheral vision, and I was like, “Look, better safe than sorry, hi!” and then it was balloons.

Capricorn: You gotta zone out! You have an imagination! You have a movie theater in your brain that plays fake arguments that you win!

Aquarius: I used to sit around and think about what to do about quicksand. I never thought about how to handle real problems in adult life. I was never like, “Oh, what’s it gonna be like when relatives ask to borrow money?”

Pisces: College was like a four-year game show called “Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need to Go to Sleep?